Gardening within liMitS: Expletives rule!

Small hours of a Sunday in September 2018

Excruciating pain making me grumble!

I am struggling at the moment as nothing seems to be improving, much as I’d like to believe it. I have just spent six hours willing myself to sleep with little success. I am in lots of pain, 8 nearly 9 weeks after surgery and I’ve come closer to understanding people who give up and take their own lives. I won’t - I’m a coward - but I have seen into that black hole and it’s scary. My surgery wasn’t minor and my recovery is slow but it’s getting boring that my answer is sleeping during the day and insomnia at night.

I have new lumps and bumps from the surgery but the scary red scars are fading. I want life to get back to normal, but what’s normal to an MSer is miles different to anybody without an auto-immune condition. Fatigue is a huge stumbling block as is my inability to lift the paddles in the automatic car we lease for me. I can’t imagine getting it off the drive anytime soon. Which limits me incredibly when my step count is so lowered during this recovery.

Six weeks is the recovery time they gave me and I thought that was conservative but the reality has been worse. I have managed days out which I’ve blogged about but the recovery from those is stringing out to days lost and lethargy to get out of the hole is getting to me. My brother sent me some Royal jelly and with my other vitamins, it seemed to be helping but I now think it’s a placebo effect. My dust allergy seems to have disappeared too, so I obviously have been too absorbed in this recovery to continue with sneezes and snuffles - or is it in self preservation blowing my nose hurts as well at the moment? Let’s take that away - the surgery hurts enough?

Sorry for the pity party but it’s hard to be positive. My neuro thinks I should be working but I am struggling to get my self a job, and my finances are looking dire without one. Maybe the presence of this blog is too easily found if you search my name, but I’m not going to lie about the last eleven years being easy or brush my health under a carpet. I just want to do something interesting that won’t send me catatonic with boredom.
Pity party over? Who knows...